Bad things happen to good people. It's an unfortunate fact of
life. But what do you do when bad things happen to other good people?
Sometimes, it's really hard to know what to say in the face of someone
else's tragedy. I'm a trained professional and I still find myself
working hard to find the "right" words when someone I love is
struggling. So, I offer up a few tips...
1. Don't be afraid to talk about it. Your neighbor knows their child has died; your good friend knows they have cancer. Treating it like it isn't there is just uncomfortable for everyone.
2. Don't focus on it. Say what you need to say, and be available to listen. But if the person wants to discuss the latest baseball game, they may be ready for a needed distraction. If they say "I don't want to talk about it," respect that. Let them know you're available if they need you, and then drop it.
3. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way. You don't need to find the "perfect" words; sometimes any sincere words are enough. You don't need to fill the space.
4. So does "I'm here for you." Sincerity is the key to this one, though. If you say it, mean it, and be prepared to follow through. Otherwise, stop at #3.
5. Don't make it about you. Everyone has had bad stuff happen to them at one time or another. We all have a story about the time our cousin's hairdresser's dog walker's poodle fell in the lake. You may even have been through a similar situation. But resist the temptation to talk excessively about what you went through - or even what you're going through. It's okay to say, "I lost my father a year ago, it was tough," but avoid launching into great detail unless the person wants to hear your story.
6. You don't know how they feel. Everyone grieves and copes differently, and each experience is unique. Avoid judging how they're handling the event and don't offer empty platitudes. Rare is the situation where someone can just "get over it."
7. Be specific. Instead of saying, "well, let me know if you need anything", offer specific things. Perhaps you could bring dinner by, go grocery shopping, or offer childcare? If you want to help and really don't know what to do, just be honest. "I want to help. What do you need?"
8. Know your own limits. People we love can become needy or even dependent in times of stress. Calmly and respectfully set reasonable boundaries, especially if you're affected by the situation. You know how on an airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping those around you? If you aren't taking care of yourself, you won't have anything left to give others before long.
9. Professional help is just that - help. Grief is a difficult thing that takes many forms. People are going to be sad (or angry or stoic), they're going to have some trouble dealing with daily life, and every person grieves at their own pace. Often a therapist can help the person in this process. You can support and respect their decision to seek a trusted professional.
10. Don't take it personally. Troubling times can expose parts of our personality that we typically keep well hidden. People who are stressed respond in different ways - some become dramatic, others push people out. They can sometimes even act like the least attractive versions of themselves. This is not an excuse to let someone treat you poorly. However, a little tolerance and a bit of understanding - and of knowing, it's not necessarily something you did or said or something about you - can be very helpful.
1. Don't be afraid to talk about it. Your neighbor knows their child has died; your good friend knows they have cancer. Treating it like it isn't there is just uncomfortable for everyone.
2. Don't focus on it. Say what you need to say, and be available to listen. But if the person wants to discuss the latest baseball game, they may be ready for a needed distraction. If they say "I don't want to talk about it," respect that. Let them know you're available if they need you, and then drop it.
3. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way. You don't need to find the "perfect" words; sometimes any sincere words are enough. You don't need to fill the space.
4. So does "I'm here for you." Sincerity is the key to this one, though. If you say it, mean it, and be prepared to follow through. Otherwise, stop at #3.
5. Don't make it about you. Everyone has had bad stuff happen to them at one time or another. We all have a story about the time our cousin's hairdresser's dog walker's poodle fell in the lake. You may even have been through a similar situation. But resist the temptation to talk excessively about what you went through - or even what you're going through. It's okay to say, "I lost my father a year ago, it was tough," but avoid launching into great detail unless the person wants to hear your story.
6. You don't know how they feel. Everyone grieves and copes differently, and each experience is unique. Avoid judging how they're handling the event and don't offer empty platitudes. Rare is the situation where someone can just "get over it."
7. Be specific. Instead of saying, "well, let me know if you need anything", offer specific things. Perhaps you could bring dinner by, go grocery shopping, or offer childcare? If you want to help and really don't know what to do, just be honest. "I want to help. What do you need?"
8. Know your own limits. People we love can become needy or even dependent in times of stress. Calmly and respectfully set reasonable boundaries, especially if you're affected by the situation. You know how on an airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping those around you? If you aren't taking care of yourself, you won't have anything left to give others before long.
9. Professional help is just that - help. Grief is a difficult thing that takes many forms. People are going to be sad (or angry or stoic), they're going to have some trouble dealing with daily life, and every person grieves at their own pace. Often a therapist can help the person in this process. You can support and respect their decision to seek a trusted professional.
10. Don't take it personally. Troubling times can expose parts of our personality that we typically keep well hidden. People who are stressed respond in different ways - some become dramatic, others push people out. They can sometimes even act like the least attractive versions of themselves. This is not an excuse to let someone treat you poorly. However, a little tolerance and a bit of understanding - and of knowing, it's not necessarily something you did or said or something about you - can be very helpful.
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