Recovering from a sex addiction requires adhering to a 12 step
program. Such programs have become synonymous with people's efforts to
change their lives and behaviors, and have been applied to everything
including over-eating, sex, compulsive gambling, and drug addiction.
The
original 12 step program was published by Alcoholics Anonymous in the
late 1930s to treat addiction to alcohol. Since then, it has been
adapted and directed towards other forms of addiction and compulsive
behaviors and has been recognized by the American Psychological
Foundation.
Small details within each 12 step program change depending
on what's being treated, but all follow the same template. While there
is debate on what defines addiction, many agree that the brain becomes
dependent on chemicals either imbibed (alcohol) or produced naturally
through a behavior, such as sex or gambling.
The 12 Steps:
Step
one is the sex addict admitting they have no power over their sex
addiction and that their lives have gotten out of control. This step
essentially defines a sex addiction, a situation where a person no
longer can control their sexual behavior despite it causing them
problems. This may sound facetious, but if a sex addict could control
their behavior, they would not be an addict. Admitting powerlessness
also opens the door to getting outside help. A person with a broken leg
does not try to mend it on their own, they call a doctor because they do
not have the skills to heal themselves. It is no different with a sex
addiction.
Step two is acknowledging there is a "higher power"
that can help the addict with their addiction. This and the next step
may be two of the least understood, as "higher power" generally refers
to God.
While many going through the 12 step program turn to the
Christian faith, anything can serve as the higher power. A person can
look to the sun, a favorite object, anything they can mentally equate
with a power above themselves. Some neurologists have said the human
brain is hardwired towards religion, and because of this it can be used
as a powerful tool in influencing behavior.
A higher power plays
the role of a neutral yet supportive third part in the sex addict's
life. It is not the addicts themselves, nor is it their therapist, nor
is it a loved one the addict may have wronged or someone who will judge
them.
The third step is giving themselves over to that higher
power, as they understand it. Many sex addicts begin reading the Bible
and attending religious services of their faith. Others will take up a
different spiritual text as their understand of their higher power. The
book or the faith or belief is not important here, what is important is
that the reliance on self get turned over to a reliance on a higher
power. Most religions have set guidelines on sexual conduct, as well as
other aspects of life, and make for a ready made code of conduct a
person can adhere to, at least until their lives are under their control
once more.
Step four is where the sex addict gets to the "nitty
gritty" of their problem and comes to see what it looks like from the
outside by completing a "moral inventory" of themselves. This inventory
documents their life and how and when their sexual habits, failings, and
other common behaviors began in an effort to see the big picture and
have an accurate understanding of what it is. Typically, a deadline is
put on this step, as many addicts tend to get hung up on it, either
because they find it difficult to examine themselves this way, or feel
the need to be too thorough.
The fifth step involves taking that
inventory and showing it to someone else, either a spouse, sponsor,
clergy or trusted confidant, or even another sex addict further along in
their treatment. This is done for a number of reasons. If a sex addict
can share this, it means they are comfortable with it to a degree and
will be able to open up further because seeing the behavior inventory
may not be enough to let the sex addict truly see their problem or
recognize patterns in their behavior. When it comes to the familiar, an
addict sees what they intend rather than what really is. It's the same
as when an athlete needs a coach to check their stance or swing or
attitude for their sport. So the sex addict needs another pair of eyes
on their moral inventory to catch things and gain feedback from a
different perspective.
Steps six and seven of the original
Alcoholics Anonymous version are asking the higher power or God to
remove the addict's defects and to forgive them. Other, more secular
minded versions describe these steps as similar transition periods. The
sex addict goes from identifying the problem to recognizing that they,
themselves, are now past that stage and can now expend energy enacting
change. The addict is taught to see that the mistakes have been made
cannot be unmade, and wishing to change the past is a waste of energy.
While it's not a "clear slate," it is a shift of focus onto the present,
which can be affected by the sex addict.
Step eight, while at
first may seem like a look back, is actually for the addict to compile a
list of people their sex addiction has harmed. This may be family
they've neglected, spouses cheated on, and in extreme cases, victims of
their sexual abuse. This step is sometimes broken down into smaller
segments, identifying the types of relationships harmed by the sex
addiction. In the case of deceased loved ones or people the addict
cannot have contact with, this step serves as an emotional release by
further letting the addict see the extent of the damage their behavior
has caused.
The ninth step is an extension of the eighth, and
involves making amends with the people identified in that step, when
possible. It could be something as simple as a verbal apology, and may
not be something that can be accomplished in a moment, a day, or even
months. This step is distinctive to the individuals involved, and not
completely possible in all cases.
Step 10 is continuing the list
from step five, and admitting when a mistake has been made. This can
expand beyond sexual behavior and include any kind of non-desirable
actions or emotions. Negative feelings are what led the sex addict to
compulsively seek the numbing behavior to start with. And being able to
identify those trouble spots and handle them in a way that doesn't feed a
new addiction cycle is key. Sex addiction often comes with other forms
of addiction, or can spin off into those other forms if the root cause
is not being monitored.
Prayer and meditation are Step 11 in the
program. Many call prayer and meditation one and the same, but whichever
route the sex addict chooses, they should set aside time each day for
quiet reflection. A daily pause is used as an anchor to keep the
complexities of the addict's outside world from becoming overwhelming.
This step lets the sex addict remind themselves of their progress and
the tools they have to fight their compulsions.
The final step is
working with other sex addicts, or passing on some of the knowledge the
addict has gained. The selfless side of this is ensures a pool of
experienced teachers well versed in the subject matter who can
perpetuate the program. The benefit to the addict doing the teaching is
the same as to teacher; the one imparting the wisdom in turn learns more
about what they've come to know. Having to articulate to another person
what one has learned makes a person think about benefits in ways they
hadn't before, and leads to greater understanding.
Those are the
basic 12 steps found in addiction recovery programs. Many are closely
related, but together they show a progression. It should be noted this
programs not a "do these 12 things and you're cured" prescription, but
at the higher levels are a lifelong set of behaviors. They may play a
less active role in the recovering sex addict's life as time goes on,
but the inventory, meditation, and teaching tend to be in the background
for a long time.
