Talking about sex and convincing a friend they have an addiction
problem can be awkward and uncomfortable, even more so when the problem
is sex addiction. It can be tempting to ignore the problem, but
sometimes being a good friend is tough. Suggesting a friend has a sex
addiction can be difficult, and so can helping them to get the necessary
treatment.
There are two types of sex addicts in this situation: One who is hiding, denying or unaware of the problem, and not in any type of recovery situation. The other type is the addict realizes there is a problem, and has not addressed it, or has confronted the problem and is seeking support and help. The latter is the easiest to deal with, as they have done one of the hardest parts of coming to grips with the problem on their own. The former can prove far more difficult.
You know your friend better than others, so be sure to think through how they might react to any advice you offer on sex addiction. For most people, it is best not to come right out and say "Hey, I think you have an addiction." They might not know much about the severity of the problem and could take it badly, thinking you are implying they are sick or perverted. This is not what a sex addict is. A sex addict is someone who is compelled to engage in sexual behavior -- actual sex, masturbation, or pornography -- and cannot reign in the behavior even though it causes them to suffer. They have a disease called sex addiction.
Most addicts don't come to realize they have a problem until some sort of crisis occurs: They have lost a job, been caught cheating on their spouse, been charged with a crime, or committed some social faux pas. You probably don't want to wait around for something like this to happen, but if it does, seize the opportunity. Maybe the friend has been fired from their job for looking at porn on their work computer or mobile phone, or perhaps they crossed some social boundary with their sexual behavior or comments. Whatever it is, take them aside, telling them you need to speak to them, then point out how their behavior has hurt either them or their friends.
Don't stop with the one incident. Link it to their pattern of behavior and mention how it also has been causing them problems. Often people don't see larger patterns in their life until someone confronts them with it. If they get a little defensive, don't back down, but if they fly off the handle, make it clear their behavior isn't going to be tolerated and reiterate that they are causing themselves and others damage. Most people do not wish to hurt their family and friends and while they may not nod their heads and agree right then and there, they will likely think about it.
Do this whenever an event happens. Talk to mutual friends about what you think and explain this strategy to them. Hearing it from multiple people is more powerful than hearing from one. If it the message doesn't sink in, think about staging an intervention.
A good intervention involves people the addict trusts and respects. It's also helpful to find a qualified experience interventionist if the addict is out of control. Meet with these people ahead of time to plan when and where it will be held, and so everyone will know what they are going to say. Keep the tone positive, make sure people's statements are about the impact the individual's behavior has had on them, and have some treatment advice ready. Be prepared to offer ultimatums, as in "You need to stop this, or we need to see less of each other."
Not all addicts respond immediately, but they will suffer the consequences of the ultimatum if the inappropriate behavior continues. It may take a few days to come around, and then you should be prepared to offer support in helping them find either a treatment provider or a Twelve-Step program.
If you are doing anything to enable their sex addiction, stop. Don't let them use your computer, don't talk to them about their sexual escapades (or yours), and don't help them rationalize inappropriate behavior. Tell them such talk or behavior is not suitable. The situation may be uncomfortable, but not challenging it can be taken as a sign of agreement.
If the sex addict knows they have a problem and confide in you about it, it is important not to judge or reject them or make them feel inept or "less than." Chances are they have internalized these feelings anyway. Offer to help them learn more about sex addiction and help arrange a session with a treatment provider. Many programs require accountability partners -- stern, supportive people the sex addict can call on in a crisis, and who can monitor aspects of their behavior. This is a role in which you may be able to help. If not, simply let them know the importance of their friendship and assure them of your loyalty to the friendship.
There are two types of sex addicts in this situation: One who is hiding, denying or unaware of the problem, and not in any type of recovery situation. The other type is the addict realizes there is a problem, and has not addressed it, or has confronted the problem and is seeking support and help. The latter is the easiest to deal with, as they have done one of the hardest parts of coming to grips with the problem on their own. The former can prove far more difficult.
You know your friend better than others, so be sure to think through how they might react to any advice you offer on sex addiction. For most people, it is best not to come right out and say "Hey, I think you have an addiction." They might not know much about the severity of the problem and could take it badly, thinking you are implying they are sick or perverted. This is not what a sex addict is. A sex addict is someone who is compelled to engage in sexual behavior -- actual sex, masturbation, or pornography -- and cannot reign in the behavior even though it causes them to suffer. They have a disease called sex addiction.
Most addicts don't come to realize they have a problem until some sort of crisis occurs: They have lost a job, been caught cheating on their spouse, been charged with a crime, or committed some social faux pas. You probably don't want to wait around for something like this to happen, but if it does, seize the opportunity. Maybe the friend has been fired from their job for looking at porn on their work computer or mobile phone, or perhaps they crossed some social boundary with their sexual behavior or comments. Whatever it is, take them aside, telling them you need to speak to them, then point out how their behavior has hurt either them or their friends.
Don't stop with the one incident. Link it to their pattern of behavior and mention how it also has been causing them problems. Often people don't see larger patterns in their life until someone confronts them with it. If they get a little defensive, don't back down, but if they fly off the handle, make it clear their behavior isn't going to be tolerated and reiterate that they are causing themselves and others damage. Most people do not wish to hurt their family and friends and while they may not nod their heads and agree right then and there, they will likely think about it.
Do this whenever an event happens. Talk to mutual friends about what you think and explain this strategy to them. Hearing it from multiple people is more powerful than hearing from one. If it the message doesn't sink in, think about staging an intervention.
A good intervention involves people the addict trusts and respects. It's also helpful to find a qualified experience interventionist if the addict is out of control. Meet with these people ahead of time to plan when and where it will be held, and so everyone will know what they are going to say. Keep the tone positive, make sure people's statements are about the impact the individual's behavior has had on them, and have some treatment advice ready. Be prepared to offer ultimatums, as in "You need to stop this, or we need to see less of each other."
Not all addicts respond immediately, but they will suffer the consequences of the ultimatum if the inappropriate behavior continues. It may take a few days to come around, and then you should be prepared to offer support in helping them find either a treatment provider or a Twelve-Step program.
If you are doing anything to enable their sex addiction, stop. Don't let them use your computer, don't talk to them about their sexual escapades (or yours), and don't help them rationalize inappropriate behavior. Tell them such talk or behavior is not suitable. The situation may be uncomfortable, but not challenging it can be taken as a sign of agreement.
If the sex addict knows they have a problem and confide in you about it, it is important not to judge or reject them or make them feel inept or "less than." Chances are they have internalized these feelings anyway. Offer to help them learn more about sex addiction and help arrange a session with a treatment provider. Many programs require accountability partners -- stern, supportive people the sex addict can call on in a crisis, and who can monitor aspects of their behavior. This is a role in which you may be able to help. If not, simply let them know the importance of their friendship and assure them of your loyalty to the friendship.
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